Sharon
The Paths We Choose
As I lay stretched out on the bed this morning - thinking random things, my eyes fell upon this book on our bookshelf by Sully Erna: "The Paths We Choose". I thought about the things that have weighed me down over the last couple weeks and felt a relief when I said those words to myself; the paths we choose.... I realized then that no matter what the situation or circumstances were, I made a choice to do them. In the midst of all the thoughts and opinions, I became the observer and realized that most reactions are egoic, leading to self-serving behavior. While many times (and many to come, I'm sure) I have fell victim to the ego: wanting to be right, feeling victimized, and trying to control things; now is the time for me to change.
About a month ago, during a particularly low point in my hubby's life, my brother (and parents) felt that enough was enough and I should "do something" to make the change in my life (affecting the ones I love the most). Feeling unsure of the situation myself, I let my relationship with my family and hubby fall prey to pride. My brother, always led by his ego, stepped in with authority. My hubby and kids suffered from it. The huge display of ego (power, humiliation) led my brother in jail for the night, my kids forever scarred by family violence, and me torn between it all. Confused and unfocused, I took the kids and left home, mostly to escape hubby's despair and wounded ego, but also to clear my mind and focus on what is important (the now). I stayed at my parent's house and was assaulted by self-serving opinions. I left there to finally be alone and NOT think. Non-thinking was the key to my intuition. I went home the next day, with the children, and felt more at peace than I had all weekend. I refused to listen to hubby's victimizing, martyrizing talk and instead, focused us both on the "now" and what we could do with it.
From that point on, everything changed. The energy at home was positive and light. The relationships were loving and supportive. We talked of letting go, forgiveness, and peace. My children soaked in this lesson with aspiration. We all began practicing a new way of living (and letting go). The hardest thing I had to let go, however, was my brother and parent's refusal to stop living in the past. They won't let go and would rather be resentful and angry than move on. Our two families are separated. It's hard not to feel hurt and resentful, but I remind myself that hanging on to this is what has weighed me down.
Still lying in bed, and pondering the book title, I also realized that I have to become unattached. This absolutely doesn't mean not caring, but instead, of realizing that the things I cherish most are not mine. There is only one thing that I can take with me beyond this world, and that one thing I must take care of and not poison it with possessiveness, anger, fear, or sadness. I choose this path - the path a free spirit and loving presence.
~peace~