Lessons

I was just lying in bed trying to clear the thoughts from the night before and day so that I could sleep. I put on some ocean sounds and was suddenly flooded with memories from a beach trip many years ago. I go to the beach all the time, but when I heard the waves, my mind went to an exact moment in time and the meaning seems clear.

The time was after my first husband died but before I remarried. My daughter was barely two at the time. I had begun seeing a guy that I had known for awhile. After our first date, he sent a dozen red roses to the college office I worked in between classes. I'm not the type of girl that can be wowed with flowers, but he really surprised me not only with the flowers, but his ability to listen and care. He would do anything for me or my daughter. I mean, absolutely anything. We went to the beach for a week that summer. Had the most wonderful time. We took silly pictures of each other, he let my daughter bury him in sand, we ate watermelon by the pool, and we enjoyed each other at night with the sounds of the surf at our window. He fell in love with me and wanted me to marry him. I wasn't over the death of my husband yet and I wasn't sure I loved him back. I certainly loved the times we spent with each other, but I couldn't promise him that it would last forever. I broke it off with him after about a year. It wasn't easy and he still came around...even after I began going out with other guys. I knew it hurt him, but he was strong and was always there for me. I began to depend on him in ways I still have trouble admitting. I didn't want a commitment, but I needed him more than he'll ever know. I was so hurt inside and so afraid, and he got me through so much of it. Eventually I knew that I wasn't good for him and was only causing him more hurt.  We broke up for good. We would call each other occasionally to see how things were, but after I met my current husband, I stopped calling. His last call to me was about him getting married and having a baby.

The surf sounds don't bring back the steamy summer nights in the condo (which were really good!) but instead, it reminds me of how lucky I am to have had that chance to know him the way I did. To have someone I needed so badly need me back, in ways that I could never describe with words.

I have no regrets - but life's lessons keep me up at night...

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