This week has/is a whirlwind. Monday, I worked late to publish a report on our Web page. I came in late Tuesday to make up the OT from Monday and left a little early to pick up my rental car and pack up to drive to Atlanta. I made a few stops before getting home, and then rushed to eat dinner, pack and get going before it put me getting to Atlanta after midnight. The drive was long and tiring - even in the '08 Red Charger I was driving from the rental place. The car drove great - especially fast! But I still didn't get to ATL until after midnight. I pretty much threw down the bags and collapsed. Running late this morning, I rushed to class without breakfast. I drove past the place 4 times before I found it (it's underneath a restaurant...wtf?) only to get to the class and find out that it wouldn't start until 10:30 or 11:00. Since I was there, the instructor decided to give me a one-on-one lesson before the others arrived. Boy - my company is sure getting its moneys worth!

Maybe why I woke up early this morning thinking I was falling off the bed. I was dreaming that I fell into a lake and it swept me into a dam that was about to shred me to pieces.

I don't know what that's about, but I've found that through all the madness this week, I've managed to find moments when I can totally indulge myself and smile about it.

Woke up this morning from a dream that was pretty crazy. We have a koi pond in front of the house and the pump quit, so lately it's gotten very murky looking. It's also occupied by millions of tiny tadpoles and four Koi. In the dream, the tadpoles became huge meat-eating monster frogs. When we went outside or walked on our sidewalk, they would jump out of the pond and nip at our feet until we fed them. We threw golf ball sized pellets at them and they would gobble them up as quick as we'd throw them. We finally fled indoors and slammed the door on some of them while they revealed their sharp pointy teeth. Once inside the house, chaos erupted. I had toddlers jumping everywhere for a birthday party I wasn't prepared to give. A very stressful, out-of-control kind of dream.

Working-on-being-ex-pig has fallen into despair again. The way I see it, we all have a choice in how we respond to things. The choice you make results in who you are and the karma you create. According to Dr. David Hawkins, it also reflects what level of consciousness you are at. It's hard for me to let things be when I feel I can teach. But we realize things when we're ready.

Funny how I followed up my monster-frog dream with that, huh?

~peace~

I don't know what's going around (cold/flu, etc.) but I've had it. I've been to my family doc three times, ER once, and a Gastroenterologist once. I don't want to go through all the symptoms I've had, but let me just say that I have certainly had better days. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy.

Sleep - well that's something I still can't do a whole night's worth of. ::sigh::

Other things are going well. My youngest son has gotten better about the temper tantrums. I guess he got over whatever was making him tired and mean (thank goodness). Hubby is doing well with his attempt at being the ex-pig. :)  He's even been playing the guitar again (and I love it!)

Our government is doing us all a favor by giving us money that they will later tax, so we will spend it to help our severely declining economy. It looks like my "stimulus" money will go towards bills and gas. That takes most of our income anyway. You would think the government would just figure out how to get us out of this economic state and lower gas prices so we could actually HAVE extra money to spend.

Eh - well back to nodding off at my desk while attempting to work.

~peace~

Today - a gloomy day. Storms are brewing and so is my mood. I don't think I slept well last night and certainly didn't want to wake up. 

This week has been a trying week for hubby and me. Our 9 year old son has pushed his limits with us. He hasn't been feeling well, but no excuse for being a total brat. Every night this week, he's refused to go to sleep at bedtime, refused to eat dinner, and refused to take his bath/shower. We've given in to him on some issues - mostly those that weren't worth fighting over, but getting him to bed has been like pushing a button and world chaos ensues. He flings himself in the floor--kicking, screaming and fighting. One night he announced that he was "pulling an all-nighter" to play his DS. When he saw that it wasn't going to fly, he baracaded himself in his room (with lights on and NOT sleeping). Needless to say, this has drained us. He's gotten disciplined - not that it's helped. Mornings have been hectic also since he's losing some sleep time and having to make up his night showers in the morning. He's also refused to eat anything for breakfast because "he doesn't like what we have." I hate to say it, but I'm SO GLAD this is Friday and we can let the battle subside for a day or two. I pray that he gets an attitude adjustment and Monday comes with no issues.

This week, I've also had three deaths in the family; 2 uncles and 1 great-aunt. I haven't been to any of the funerals. One uncle lived in Melbourne, Florida and my parents and I just couldn't get down there. The other 2 funerals...I've just opted out of. I know I should pay my respects, but I really don't like funerals. Guess maybe I'm feeling a bit guilty.

My brother had his court date this week for the "domestic violence" against my husband. Of course the city dropped all charges since my hubby refused to press assault charges and the city had nothing since it wasn't truly "domestic violence". I hope this means that the family issues are resolved - though no one is really talking about it right now. My brother is more stubborn than me...so things may NEVER go back to the way they were!

I'm really not into work today. I have three issues that involve digging through SQL Server 2000 tables and matching them up with ASP.NET pages on our internet so that I can update both. Reverse Engineering and challenge is not one of my strong points this week.

~peace~

Today I have a small headache, which is no surprise. Spring is always tough on me with all the pollen triggering sinus headaches and eventually migraines. I made a trip to the doctor Monday for a good ole steroid shot and some decongestants, but there's still mornings that I wake up feeling like my head might explode and eyes pop out.

It isn't helping that when I get to work, I have to deal with a certain coworker who is especially "sensitive" and competitive. We both were given additional duties to administer the company's intranet, Internet, and network site recently. We each have some background experience in different areas; he in creating Web sites and me in the technical aspect of it (connections, languages, servers, etc.). This would normally work out perfectly, since we each have our expertise that would cover all areas. However, he feels that he must know everything I know and continuously complains that I'm not sharing the knowledge and keeping him out of the loop. In actuality, I have tried to explain in detail some of the things I've done to resolve an issue and then he replies with "I already knew that, thanks for nothing!" I've let this go for awhile, but now he's complained to our supervisor. This morning, my supervisor told me that the two of us were "going to have to get along" or else.... He's planned a lunch meeting with us for next week to get everything out in the open.

My problem is that in these kind of conflicts, I find myself being defensive and not true to non-ego behavior. I want to stand up for myself but I certainly don't want to place blame or point fingers. I also don't want to give the impression that I can be taken advantage of and/or walked over at work. I hardly ever have problems getting along with people. Why this...now?

So....suggestions? I'd love to keep the peace and my "headaches" to a minimum.

Imprisoned inside this mind
Hiding behind the empty smiles
So simple (the anguish)
As it haunts me
Crawling back into the dark

Running, always running, into the distance
Stop me before I bleed, again
The echoes of my voice
Follow me down
The shadows I cast
Follow me down

Deeper I'm falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

There must be serenity

Blindly descending

There must be deliverance...
                       ~ Killswitch Engage

Today, I realized that dreams and thoughts of my late husband still haunts me. I never expected that it wouldn't, but it normally comes and goes periodically, not weeks at a time. As it drags me into sadness, I question myself, because I know psychologically what the mind is doing, yet I have no apparent control over it. It's quite difficult to want to control it when I wake up with fresh thoughts of being in his arms, smelling his skin, and feeling my head against his chest. I know that the mind will try to create grandiose memories to keep your ego satisfied, but I really do try to let it go.

Please don't think I love my life now any less. I have a good life. Some days I just need to allow myself these feelings and then try to move on.

A picture of Ronny on one of our many fun trips to Panama City Beach, FL.

As I lay stretched out on the bed this morning - thinking random things, my eyes fell upon this book on our bookshelf by Sully Erna: "The Paths We Choose".  I thought about the things that have weighed me down over the last couple weeks and felt a relief when I said those words to myself; the paths we choose.... I realized then that no matter what the situation or circumstances were, I made a choice to do them. In the midst of all the thoughts and opinions, I became the observer and realized that most reactions are egoic, leading to self-serving behavior. While many times (and many to come, I'm sure) I have fell victim to the ego: wanting to be right, feeling victimized, and trying to control things; now is the time for me to change.

About a month ago, during a particularly low point in my hubby's life, my brother (and parents) felt that enough was enough and I should "do something" to make the change in my life (affecting the ones I love the most). Feeling unsure of the situation myself, I let my relationship with my family and hubby fall prey to pride. My brother, always led by his ego, stepped in with authority. My hubby and kids suffered from it. The huge display of ego (power, humiliation) led my brother in jail for the night, my kids forever scarred by family violence, and me torn between it all. Confused and unfocused, I took the kids and left home, mostly to escape hubby's despair and wounded ego, but also to clear my mind and focus on what is important (the now). I stayed at my parent's house and was assaulted by self-serving opinions. I left there to finally be alone and NOT think. Non-thinking was the key to my intuition. I went home the next day, with the children, and felt more at peace than I had all weekend. I refused to listen to hubby's victimizing, martyrizing talk and instead, focused us both on the "now" and what we could do with it.

From that point on, everything changed. The energy at home was positive and light. The relationships were loving and supportive. We talked of letting go, forgiveness, and peace. My children soaked in this lesson with aspiration. We all began practicing a new way of living (and letting go). The hardest thing I had to let go, however, was my brother and parent's refusal to stop living in the past. They won't let go and would rather be resentful and angry than move on. Our two families are separated. It's hard not to feel hurt and resentful, but I remind myself that hanging on to this is what has weighed me down.

Still lying in bed, and pondering the book title, I also realized that I have to become unattached. This absolutely doesn't mean not caring, but instead, of realizing that the things I cherish most are not mine. There is only one thing that I can take with me beyond this world, and that one thing I must take care of and not poison it with possessiveness, anger, fear, or sadness. I choose this path - the path a free spirit and loving presence.

~peace~

Friday was the surgery to remove the hardware from my wrist. I suppose I was a bit more nervous than I wanted to admit because my blood pressure was 151/100 - which is highly unusual for me. After I was situated and waiting to go to the ER, the nurse came and asked if I wanted some "joy juice" (versed, I think). I wasn't sure what that was, but said YES! Fortunately I did, because shortly after that, two nurses came in with a hand-held saw and began cutting my cast off. I was terrified that they would go too far and cut my arm off, but apparently they've done this before. About half way through cutting the cast off, my joy juice kicked in and I laughed about everything. I don't remember hubby leaving my room and I was probably talking to an empty chair after the cast came off and the nurses left. I looked down at my wrist to see the pins one last time and noticed that my skin was very swollen and pus was oozing out around pins. I figured this was why it had been hurting so bad Wed & Thur. But at that moment, I laughed and said "oooh infection, cool". I was pushed into the OR and was looking around at everyone and thinking "crap, will it hurt or will I care?" I think I remember my doctor coming in and saying "hi" but within moments an oxygen mask went over my nose & mouth and the nurse said, "Here comes the sleepy medicine..." I woke up from the best sleep ever, still feeling a little high, and was offered what I think was the best darn Dr. Pepper I've ever had. Nothing like a icy, cold DP after waking up in thickness. And if that wasn't cool enough, while I was sipping that oh-so-delicious drink, the kind nurse brought me a lortab too. OMG I floated home.

Hubby said later (probably many times before I actually could remember it) that the doc said my wrist had an infection and they gave me antibiotics by IV at surgery center and then I had a Rx to take for 5 days. Everything else looked good and I should start moving my wrist and fingers to regain movement.

Such an ordeal. Doesn't seem like 6 weeks have passed. My brother broke his right hand last week. I won't go into those details, but my mom thinks something weird is going on with both of us breaking our hand/wrist and dad having a broke foot a couple of months ago. Bro is going through the first couple of weeks with pain and finding his limits on using that hand. Boy do I remember that well. No surgery is required for him, but he's a mechanic and having no use of his right hand is not good. Hopefully, he will heal fast and be back repairing engines. :)

Re-org at work from the merger has everyone panicked. I lost my boss in it and gained a team member. I'm happy about having another guy on my team - one who knows SQL and .NET better than I do, but I will be getting some training within the next couple of months on both. Losing the cool boss sucks, but I'm determined to not let it affect my performance (unless in a good way).

Can't you tell I'm using both hands for typing now? I can actually type what I'm thinking without having to look at the keys and then backspace and start over!

~peace~

My friend and I have a list...not quite the "bucket list" but similiar in that it's a list of things we want to do someday. I wouldn't say it's things to do and see before dying, but more like a list of crazy fun things to do that we've never before done. I think about the list a lot and wonder why I haven't made the effort to do more about completing the list. I think I shall stop stalling and do something!

I have worried in the past about not being able to surrender and experience inner peace. I found a book (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle) that explains it perfectly. "Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful. When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. Circumstances and people then become helpful. Coincidences happen."

~peace~